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の仲間の皆さん、こんにちは。アルコホーリクの Yuu です。ドミニクさん、司会のをありがとうございます。

テーマに沿わないシェアになってしまうかもしれませんが、最近の出来事について書いてみようと思います。

少し長めの休暇を取れることになったので、両親の住む町に帰省をして来ました。幸運な偶然で、帰省をする期間に私の祖母の17回忌法要があり、親類たちが集まりました。ずいぶん長く会っていない親類たちに会いました。私の両親も来る予定だったのですが、父の体調が悪くなって入院をしてしまったので、母だけが来ることになりました。一人で来ることについて、認知症が入った母は心細くなったようで、参列しようかどうしようか迷っていると伝え聞きました。妹を通して私は母に「僕がいるから大丈夫だよ、安心して来るといいよ」と伝えました。以前から準備をしていた母への埋め合わせを行う時が、今だと思ったのです。

私の妹に付き添われて、母は法要に来ました。私は母に久しぶりに再会しました。認知症がどの程度進んでいるのか心配をしていたのですが、法要の席ではそれほど変わった様子はありませんでした。

法要を終えて私たちは母の住む実家に戻りました。私は実家に２泊しました。父が入院中で不在なので、母の様子は落ち着いていると妹は言っていました。父がいる時は母の恨み言がひどくて、母が酒を飲むとさらに暴言になることもあるのだそうです。母が席を外した時を見計らって、私は妹に直接の謝罪を行い、手紙を渡しました。時々来るだけの私には耐えられるけれど、不穏な母と毎日接するあなたは大変だと思うと伝えました。母は不遇に生きてきた自分の話を聞いて欲しくて仕方がないのだと思います。きちんと母に向き合って話を聞く役割は、本当ならば私たち子供ではなく夫（私たちの父）の役割なんだけどね、と、妹と話し合いました。妹も同じ思いのようでした。

父の病院に見舞いに行きました。ひと部屋に４つのベッドがあり、そのうちの一つが父なのですが、最初私はどれが父のベッドなのかわかりませんでした。看護師に聞いて、父と対面しました。父はすっかり小さくなって、病気の老人の姿になっていました。30分ほどベッドの脇に座り、父の手を握って話しかけ言葉を交わしました。謝罪と感謝の言葉を書いた手紙を置いて帰りました。

故郷の町にある、私がかつて入院した病院を訪れ、当時お世話になった看護師の方に会うことが出来ました。思い出話をしているうちに、入院中に私が行った無礼な振る舞いのことを思い出し、その場で謝罪をしました。反抗心むき出しの当時の私は、子供が飲む「こどもびいる」という清涼飲料を病棟に持ち込み、お酒じゃないからいいでしょうと反抗的に挑発する態度で飲み、看護師さんやドクターにひどく叱られたのでした。当時の非礼のお詫びをすると、相手の女性は「私のような仕事をしている者にとって、あなたの言葉は何よりのご褒美です」と答えてくれました。

普段はZOOMやテキストメッセージで連絡を取り合っている遠方のと、対面で再会することが出来ました。彼との付き合いは長く、年齢もソーバーもほぼ同じということもあり、現在はどちらがでどちらがということもなく、良き相談相手で良きAAの友人だと思っています。彼と思い出話を話すうちに、シップの始めの頃に彼と激しいケンカをしたことを思い出し、そのことを謝罪しました。彼の方もお互いに今よりももっととんがっていましたからねと、謝罪を受け入れてくれました。互いに成長をして対等な良き友人のようになるのは、シップが目指す理想の形なのではないかと、彼との関係を通して私は学びました。は神様ではないですからね。

両親と妹への埋め合わせを通して、彼らへの恨みは私の中にはもうほとんど無いことを実感しました。恨みが全て感謝に変わったとまでは言えませんが、それは静かな悲しみに変わったように思います。恨みを（神様以外の）誰かに取り除いてもらうのは難しいと思いますが、悲しみや寂しさは、現在私の近くにいる新しい家族や友人たちによって、だいぶ補ってもらっているように感じます。恨みの気持ちよりは、悲しみや寂しさの方が、まだ扱いやすい感情なのかもしれませんね。

シェアさせてくれてありがとう。

Yuu, Tokyo, Japan
Sober Date 2008年3月21日

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Hello, ESH friends. My name is Yuu, and I'm an alcoholic.

Dominic, thank you for chairing the meeting this week.

This may be a little off topic, but I wanted to share a few things that have happened in my life recently.

I was able to take a longer vacation than usual, so I went back to my hometown, where my parents live. As it happened, the memorial service marking the seventeenth anniversary of my grandmother's death took place while I was there, bringing relatives together for the occasion. I had the chance to see relatives I hadn't seen in a very long time. My parents had planned to attend as well, but my father fell ill and was hospitalized, so only my mother was able to come. I heard that my mother, whose dementia has been progressing, felt uneasy about coming alone and wasn't sure whether she should attend. Through my younger sister, I sent her a message: "It's all right. I'm here, so you don't need to worry." I sent her that message because I felt I was finally ready to make amends to my mother, something I had been preparing to do for some time.

My mother came to the memorial service with my younger sister. It was the first time I'd seen her in a long while. I had been worried about how much her dementia had progressed, but during the service, she seemed much the same as I remembered her.

After the memorial service, we returned to my mother's family home, where I stayed for two nights. My sister told me that our mother had been relatively calm while our father was in the hospital and away from home. When our father is around, my mother often harbors a lot of resentment toward him, and apparently, she becomes even more verbally abusive toward him when she drinks. When my mother stepped away for a moment, I took the opportunity to apologize to my sister in person and give her a letter. I told her that although I could put up with our mother's behavior because I only visited occasionally, I knew how difficult it must be for her to deal with our mother's agitation day in and day out. I think our mother desperately wants someone to listen to her talk about how unfairly she feels life has treated her. My sister and I talked about how, ideally, our father, as her husband, should be the one to listen to her and help her through these difficulties, rather than leaving that responsibility to us children. My sister seemed to agree.

I went to visit my father in the hospital. There were four beds in his room, and at first, I couldn't tell which one was his. I asked a nurse and then went over to his bed. He had grown so frail that he looked like an old man worn down by illness. I sat beside his bed for about thirty minutes, held his hand, and talked with him. Before I left, I gave him a letter expressing my apologies and gratitude.

I also visited the hospital in my hometown where I had once been a patient, and I was able to see a nurse who had taken care of me during my stay. As we reminisced, I remembered some of the disrespectful things I had done back then, and I apologized to her right then and there. At the time, I had been openly defiant. I had brought a soft drink called Kodomo Beer ("Children's Beer"), a nonalcoholic drink made for kids, into the ward. I drank it defiantly, as if to say, "It's not alcohol, so what's the problem?" The nurses and doctors gave me quite a scolding. When I apologized for my behavior all those years ago, she replied, "For someone doing the kind of work I do, hearing those words from you is the greatest reward I could receive."

I also had the chance to meet in person with a sponsee who lives far away. We usually keep in touch through Zoom and text messages. We've known each other for a long time, and we're about the same age and have been sober for nearly the same length of time. These days, I don't really think of us as sponsor and sponsee anymore. I see him as someone I can talk things over with and, above all, as a good AA friend. As we reminisced, I remembered a heated argument we had early in our sponsorship relationship, and I apologized for my part in it. He accepted my apology, saying that we had both been much more prickly back then than we are now.

My relationship with him has taught me that perhaps the best outcome of sponsorship is for both people to grow and eventually become good friends on equal footing. After all, a sponsor isn't God.

Making amends to my parents and my sister helped me realize that I have very little resentment left toward them. I can't say that all my resentment has turned into gratitude, but it seems to have given way to a quiet sadness. I don't think anyone but God can truly free us from resentment, but the family and friends who have come into my life over the years seem to have eased much of the sadness and loneliness I feel. Perhaps sadness and loneliness are easier to live with than resentment.

Thank you for letting me share.

Yuu, Tokyo, Japan
DOS 03/21/2008

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